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Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the June 7th, 2007

Hey folks,

I write almost all of my blogs at tribe.net .

If you want to read more go here

 

http://people.tribe.net/indiancomedian/blog

 

Tapan Trivedi

P.S. Thanks for making the Pundits with Punchlines shows a huge success !!

P.P.S. Go to www.punditswithpunchlines.com and join our mailing list !!! 

 

Anti Ann Coulter 3 – Nov 24th 2006

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the November 26th, 2006

WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOUR FLIGHT MORE UNCOMFORTABLE?
WHY BROWN PEOPLE SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO HELL ?

Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether.

So that the Irish, the French, the Germans and all the other countries that hate us can get in on them.

Witnesses said the imams stood to do their evening prayers in the terminal before boarding, chanting “Allah, Allah, Allah” — coincidentally, the last words heard by hundreds of airline passengers on 9/11 before they died.Therein lies your ignorance Ann. Moslems don’t STAND and pray. They sit and kneel. Chanting of Allah, Allah Allah being the last words that people heard– if that is the security standard you want to set for the USA then I would say why don’t we go a step further and arrest and remove anyone who says ‘Holy Shit’ or ‘Oh No’ or ‘Wowzie’ also because I am fairly certain that a few of those were definitely amongst the last words too. I would ask the widows of the attack for an opinion but then I would get a biased opinion.
 
Witnesses also said that the imams were talking about Saddam Hussein, and denouncing America and the war in Iraq.
Yes stupid witnesses who didn’t have any knowledge of the language being spoken or of the context. This is the exact thing that happens when fear mongering takes over the lives of common people.
 
About the only scary preflight ritual the imams didn’t perform was the signing of last wills and testaments.
Complete and utter rhetoric. Ann, did you skip logic classes? Who is the passenger that complained? Would he/she be aware of the difference between a Hindu and a Muslim?

After boarding, the imams did not sit together and some asked for seat belt extensions, although none were morbidly obese. Three of the men had one-way tickets and no checked baggage.

And one of them farted loudly which disturbed others too. One of them even went ahead and ordered a beverage!! OH MY GOD!! He ordered a beverage. And he was Muslim. Muslims can’t order beverages can they??

Also they were Muslims.Listen Ann. Listen to the voice of reason which used to resonate in your head at one point before the dollar signs in your eyes took over the control of the rest of your body.
 
The idea that a Muslim boycott against US Airways would hurt the airline proves that Arabs are utterly tone-deaf. This is roughly the equivalent of Cindy Sheehan taking a vow of silence.
Or Ann Coulter taking a vow of hysteria . Or Bill OReilly saying he would bully everyone on his show . Or Halliburton saying they will exploit the blood of the innocent.

How can we hope to deal with people with no sense of irony? The next thing you know, New York City cab drivers will be threatening to bathe.
Or Christian conservatives would stop raping kids  !!Come to think of it, the whole affair may have been a madcap advertising scheme cooked up by US Airways.It worked with me. US Airways is my official airline now. Northwest, which eventually flew the Allah-spouting Muslims to their destinations, is off my list. You want to really hurt a U.S. air carrier’s business? Have Muslims announce that it’s their favorite airline.

I can only hope that this doesn’t mean that you are only going to fly US Airways – cause I fly them too and I am absolutely horrified at the thought of you sitting next to me. I am afraid that my projectile vomit will kill you and I will land up a hero in the eyes of millions for something not so noble. As of today the US Airways released the following statement:-
“We are always concerned when passengers are inconvenienced and especially concerned when a situation occurs that causes customers to feel their dignity was compromised. We do not tolerate discrimination of any kind,” the airline said.
 That means they will let the Muslims fly their airline and Muslims will fly US Airways again. I hope that means you will boycott them.The clerics had been attending an imam conference in Minneapolis (imam conference slogan: “What Happens in Minneapolis — Actually, Nothing Happened in Minneapolis”). But instead of investigating the conference, the government is now investigating my favorite airline.What threat could Muslims flying from Minnesota to Arizona be?
NO THREAT AT ALL- if you could depend upon the bravery of 150 odd other passengers and 2 or more Air Marshals that probably were on that plane. Ann, here is where your cowardice lies. Just because they were able to do it once doesn’t mean that they will do it again. If a plane that I was on was hijacked then I would fight tooth and nail and belt buckle to anyone that tried to hijack it – Muslim or non Muslim or otherwise!! I don’t have much faith in the government to stop such an attack but Ann you are completely giving up on the courage of ordinary American’s and THAT is what is so troubling . Are you so detached from the people of this wonderful country of ours that you don’t trust their bravery. I say, let those idiots try once again. The reason why they succeeded in landing three of those planes on their targets is because the passengers on the plane actually took it for a hijack. I doubt if that will EVER happen again. Insinuating that it would – as you did in this column – proves that you are very detached from the lives of the common people of the USA.
 
Three of the 19 hijackers on 9/11 received their flight training in Arizona. Long before the attacks, an FBI agent in Phoenix found it curious that so many Arabs were enrolled in flight school. But the FBI rebuffed his request for an investigation on the grounds that his suspicions were based on the same invidious racial profiling that has brought US Airways under investigation and into my good graces.

Yes and it was  this kind of racial profiling that led to the deaths of Amadou Diallo, Ousmane Zongo and Sean Bell.

Lynne Stewart’s client, the Blind Sheik, Omar Abdel-Rahman, is serving life in prison in a maximum security lock-up in Minnesota. One of the six imams removed from the US Airways plane was blind, so Lynne Stewart was the one missing clue that would have sent all the passengers screaming from the plane.

This is total BS Ann. “that would have sent all the passengers screaming from the plane.” – is that your characterization of the US public en masse? I don’t think that the people of this country would go ‘screaming from the plane’ as you mention. I think they will beat the shit out of any zealot that tries to capture a bus – let alone a plane. THAT MUCH I GUARANTEE – The people of this country may not be the smartest but they don’t lack in courage as you make them out to be. How dare you suggest otherwise ?

Wholly apart from the issue of terrorism, don’t we have a seller’s market for new immigrants? How does a blind Muslim get to the top of the visa list? Is there a shortage of blind, fanatical clerics in this country that I haven’t noticed? Couldn’t we get some Burmese with leprosy instead? A 4-year-old could do a better job choosing visa applicants than the U.S. Department of Immigration.

Yes. And if the Dept of Homeland security was NOT so focused on an unpopular and stupid war a million miles away they would have gotten on it right away!!
 
One of the stunt-imams in US Airways’ advertising scheme, Omar Shahin, complained about being removed from the plane, saying: “Six scholars in handcuffs. It’s terrible.”
Stunt Imams?? Did I miss the part where he did a back flip after chanting Allah Allah Allah?
Yes, especially when there was a whole conference of them! Six out of 150 is called “poor law enforcement.” How did the other 144 “scholars” get off so easy?
Shahin’s own “scholarship” consisted of continuing to deny Muslims were behind 9/11 nearly two months after the attacks. On Nov. 4, 2001, The Arizona Republic cited Shahin’s “skepticism that Muslims or bin Laden carried out attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon.” Shahin complained that the government was “focusing on the Arabs, the Muslims. And all the evidence shows that the Muslims are not involved in this terrorist act.”

Yes of course Shahin is going to state stupid statements like that. He is from Pakistan – the country that produces most of these illiterate power mongers who – much like you – take advantage of the ignorance of the meek. I say lets do with them and attack the country and be done with it. What is it that you say? They are our friends?? But wait – they are the country where the Taliban came from? They are still our friends? That is the country that is a nuclear power. They are still our friends? They are the country that passed the law that would stop rape victims from being punished as early as Nov 24 2006. Come on Ann even you can see that going to the source is the key. Pakistan is a country FORMED on an Islamic religious belief and they do their best to keep their illiterate, backward and ill intentioned ways – why are they our friends??
In case your memory of that time is hazy, within three days of the attack, the Justice Department had released the names of all 19 hijackers — names like Majed Moqed, Ahmed Alghamdi, Mohand Alshehri, Ahmed Ibrahim A. Al Haznawi and Ahmed Alnami. The government had excluded all but 19 passengers as possible hijackers based on extensive interviews with friends and family of nearly every passenger on all four flights. Some of the hijackers’ seat numbers had been called in by flight attendants on the planes.Remind me which country were they from? And what is our status of relationship with them?
By early October, bin Laden had produced a videotape claiming credit for the attacks. And by Nov. 4, 2001, The New York Times had run well over 100 articles on the connections between bin Laden and the hijackers — even more detailed and sinister than the Times’ flowcharts on neoconservatives!Also, if I remember correctly, al-Qaida had taken out full-page ads in Variety and the Hollywood Reporter thanking their agents for the attacks.


Your memory serves you wrong. There were no such ads.
But now, on the eve of the busiest travel day in America, these “scholars” have ginned up America’s PC victim machinery to intimidate airlines and passengers from noticing six imams chanting “Allah” before boarding a commercial jet.
 The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. What happened eventually? Did they fly? Yes. Did they find any weapons on them? No. Did they create any hassle for anyone? No. Did the passengers who complain issue a statement that he/she felt better after they had done. The detention did nothing except feed fuel to the discontent of the Muslim community – which in this country is actually educating themselves and getting out of the puritanical psychic chains that bind them and gave you the material for a column. – THAT’S IT. Apart from that it didn’t solve anything and it didn’t raise any questions for any logical human being. So far the only really important service it did was expose your lack of faith in the courage of the normal folks of this country!!

Anti Ann Coulter 2 – The stupidity of Ann Coulter continues as I continue to disseminate it

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the November 20th, 2006

DESPERATE CONGRESSWOMEN OF HYSTERIA LANE
November 15, 2006
Desperate Coulter Grasping at shreds !!

In the past week, there are 476 documents on Nexis heralding the magnificent achievement of Nancy Pelosi becoming the FIRST WOMAN speaker of the House.
I thought we had moved beyond such multicultural milestones.

Now why would you say so ? Why is it a cultural milestone ? Do you think that the women follow a different milestones than men culturally ? It’s a societal milestone and that’s siginificant.
The media yawned when Condoleezza Rice became the first black female secretary of state (and when Lincoln Chafee became the first developmentally disabled senator).
Heralding Condoleezza Rice’s becoming the first black female secretary of state in the Bush administration is like heralding Lt.Uhura as being the first black woman on Star Trek. Her position is nothing but an intergalactic switchboard operator.Do you even realize Anne that the speaker of the House is actually an elected leader. The Secretary of State is actually a political appointee.  And besides the power that was yielded by Madeline Albright and the abilities that Condi has are vastly different. One has balls of steel welded to her courage – the other, unfortunately , has her hands tied at the hands of the administration who lowball her every opportunity they get. 9/11 commission hearings  anyone???
There were only 77 documents noting that Rice was the first black woman to be the secretary of state, and half of them were issues of Jet, Essence, Ebony or Black Entrepreneur magazine.
Ann, once again , in your anti Democratic sentiment you forget the concept of logical thought. You see, comparing Condi with Pelosi is like comparing apples and hubcaps. Compare Condi with Albright and then we have an idea.
A New York Times profile of Rice at the time waited until the last sentence to note in passing that Rice was “only the second woman, and the first black woman, to hold the job.” (In a separate column by me, it was noted that Rice was the “first competent woman” to hold the job.)
Ann, you can’t completely ignore the fact that it was the SAME New York Times who let Condi write the editorial ‘Why we know Iraq is lying ?’ I am still waiting for the Times to write an apology for that and while you are at it NY Times why don’t you let Pelosi write an editorial saying ‘Why we know Bush lied ?’. On second thoughts never mind. The people already know and showed it in this election. Why waste good ink after something that people know through word of mouth. Competent? You call someone who couldn’t even remember having a meeting about the Jihadist  attacks competent? What else is she forgetting? Come on, Anne , even someone as blind as you have to accept the flip flop that Condi put out on that issue.. Just put down the piano and focus on the job shall we. We already have a beautiful black girl playing piano – Alicia Keys but last I checked Keys doesn’t  have a strong opinion on the foreign policy!! You have TWO years left and you can make a difference – still. 
Not everyone ignored Secretary Rice’s achievement. Gore’s campaign manager, Donna Brazile — the last black person to hold a prominent role in any Democratic presidential campaign — told Newsweek that when she watched President Bush nominate Rice, “I had chills up and down my spine.” Brazile said: “I never thought in my lifetime I’d see an African-American woman being nominated as secretary of state. George Bush made that happen.”
 
The previous paragraph blatantly discloses the closet servitude of Ann Coulter to the Bush Administration. Quoting Donna Brazile . I would say that lets take her statements about George H.W. Bush . Donna Brazille famously quoted during the Dukakis- Bush election that George H.W.Bush needs to fess up about his affair with Jennifer Fitzgerald. Does that mean we believe that Daddy Bush did a little dilly dally on the side too?
  
Yes and  On MSNBC’s “Hardball,” even Al Sharpton said of Rice’s appointment, “I don’t think you can sneeze at the fact that she has made a tremendous achievement as the first black woman in history to be a State Department head.”
Does anyone take Al Sharpton seriously anymore ? Come on Ann, this is a lowball for you too. You are quoting a Reverend who made his chops being a black politician about a black successful Secretary of State ? What would you expect him to say ? The question is did Rummy say anything ? Did Cheney say anything ?
 
Rice was not the first black secretary of state because Bush had already made Colin Powell the first black secretary of state. That was back during Bush’s first term, when Rice was the first female national security adviser.Bush also named Alberto Gonzales the first Hispanic attorney general. He made an Arab-American, Spencer Abraham, secretary of energy; a Cuban-American, Carlos Gutierrez, secretary of commerce; an Asian-American, Elaine Chao, secretary of labor; and a retarded-American, Norman Mineta, secretary of transportation. It was as if Mariah Carey and Tiger Woods had children and they all joined the Bush Cabinet.Yup and they were ALL serving the scion of a rich failed president who firmly believes that minorities are best left rotting in water !!
 
The whole place has been lousy with women since the first Bush term, including Gale Ann Norton, secretary of the interior, Ann Veneman, secretary of agriculture, and Margaret Spellings, secretary of education. For a while there, it looked as if Bush might become the first president whose entire Cabinet’s menstrual cycles were synchronized.
 

You mean since Janet Reno, Madeline Albright and Hazel O Leary with the Clinton cabinet ? Are you blind or do you have nobody to do this research for you. No wait. You don’t care about research and your readers don’t really care as long as you are quoting what they believe.And are you completely ignoring the fact the Gale Norton was so pissed off at Bush’s no balls whatsoever policy she quit !!In a rare article taking note of Bush’s “Benetton-ad presidency,” Time magazine’s Joe Klein said of Bush’s second-term appointments: “It took Bush a month before he named a standard-issue white male.”

He didn’t need to . He already had the support of Trent Lott and that extremely racist guy Jesse Helms. Besides comparing Bush’s cabinet to the Benetton ads is like comparing apples to hubcaps . I know I am using the same analogy twice but calling Bush’s cabinet anything higher than a hubcap is an insult to all the nuts and bolts out there.
 
By contrast, John Kerry hired only white males for top positions in his presidential campaign, a fact so embarrassing that even the media eventually took notice. In Kerry’s defense, almost all of his and Teresa’s domestic servants appear to have been people of color, although we still don’t have a final head count on the place in Aspen.Ann did you find a picture on the Internet with a penis and two testicles attached to Mary Beth Cahill’s crotch or did you just forget the fact that she existed as the Campaign Manager for John Kerry  after the firing of Jim Jordan ???

But when Nancy Pelosi — another Democrat who married a multimillionaire — achieves the minor distinction of becoming the first female speaker of the House, The New York Times acts like she’s invented cold fusion.
A Democrat who married a multimillionaire. That is your characterization of Pelosi. This is a woman who raised FIVE kids then entered politics. Do you know that she grew up in a household being the youngest of SIX kids? Never mind the fact that Pelosi has been elected NINE TIMES by the people of this country. Consider this Ann – Pelosi is exactly what you are fearful of. She has the body and demeanor of Carmela Soprano with the guts of Tony! 
 
 
There were two major articles breathlessly reporting Pelosi’s magnificent achievement as first female speaker and an op-ed by Bob Herbert, titled “Ms. Speaker and Other Trends.” Beatifying Pelosi as “the most powerful woman ever to sit in Congress,” Herbert began: “Sometimes you can actually feel the winds of history blowing.” There was a major Times profile of Pelosi, gushing that Pelosi was “on the brink of becoming the first female speaker.” (Isn’t she just the most independent little gal?) Yes. All this is good. I hope this continues.
So in addition to bringing back a cut-and-run national security strategy, tax-and-spend domestic policy and a no-enforcement immigration policy, the new Democratic Congress is apparently ushering in a return to feminist milestones. 
   
Yup. Feminist milestones that the Republicans have spent years trying to erode.

I warned you people about what might happen if “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” ever caught on, and now you’ve got no one but yourselves to blame. Happy now? I don’t know Ann. What would happen ? I don’t know but I am afraid that if I don’t take little Grace to my work from time to time she might become a right wing column writer.
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Anti Ann Coulter – The rightwing mouthpiece and the logical way to disseminate her column

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the November 20th, 2006

My retorts are in red !! 

History was made this week! For the first time in four election cycles, Democrats are not attacking the Diebold Corp. the day after the election, accusing it of rigging its voting machines. I guess Diebold has finally been vindicated.

Hardly !! If by being vindicated you mean being hacked like a copy of cheap South Carolina software then yes. They have been!! The real story is that the Democrats won DESPITE the Diebold machines.

So the left won the House and also Nicaragua. They’ve had a good week. At least they don’t have their finger on the atom bomb yet.
Soon Ann Soon !! And then maybe they will use the bomb that knocks on your door before it blows you with a Google Map and your address !!

Democrats support surrender in Iraq, higher taxes and the impeachment of President Bush. They just won an election by pretending to be against all three.

Its not surrender in Iraq . Its called ‘anything but what Rummy is doing’. People are dying. Troops are dying and Rummy keeps on making more Taliban soldiers than Bin Laden can bear to recruit.Higher Taxes. They said that didn’t they. And STILL the public voted them in !! What does that tell you ? The people are not stupid Ann. They actually know that with the Dems in power the gas prices will go down and that the taxes may go up but atleast that will mean that the fattest of fat white asses who get all the cuts will not get what the cheese anymore. Maybe people voted out of pshaudenfreud.

The impeachment of Bush –although a noble goal – will not be suitable to the rest of us. Why give the lame duck any more importance ?

Jon Tester, Bob Casey Jr., Heath Shuler, possibly Jim Webb — I’ve never seen so much raw testosterone in my life. The smell of sweaty jockstraps from the “new Democrats” is overwhelming.

Betcha you like smelly jockstraps. Atleast these jockstraps are not tainted with the blood of the innocent.
Having predicted this paltry Democrat win, my next prediction is how long it will take all these new “gun totin’ Democrats” to be fitted for leotards.
About as long as it takes Rev. Haggard to cure himself of his gayness !!
Now that they’ve won their elections and don’t have to deal with the hicks anymore, Tester can cut lose the infernal buzz cut, Casey can start taking “Emily’s List” money, and Webb can go back to writing more incestuously homoerotic fiction … and just in time for Christmas!

And Bush can go on killing minorities and ignoring hurricanes. And Rumsfeld can go on pretending he knew better than the generals on the ground , and Cheney can go on shooting people and ignoring what is best for his daughter just like last Christmas !! And Mark Foley can keep on molesting kids and Ted Haggard can advise the Whitehouse on conference calls while getting a blowjob from a gay hooker – let thee who have a free hand cast a stone !!

But according to the media, this week’s election results are a mandate for pulling out of Iraq (except in Connecticut where pro-war Joe Lieberman walloped anti-war “Ned the Red” Lamont).

One person Ann. Lincoln Chafey. They voted Anti Republican. We are on to your game and go back to the oil well you crawled out of !!

In fact, if the Democrats’ pathetic gains in a sixth-year election are a statement about the war in Iraq, Americans must love the war! As Roll Call put it back when Clinton was president: “Simply put, the party controlling the White House nearly always loses House seats in midterm elections” — especially in the sixth year.

Really so how did Clinton GAIN five seats in 1998 ???And they kept ALL the Senate seats while they were expected to lose FOUR. Only two presidents this century – Theodore Roosevelt in 1902 and Franklin Roosevelt in 1934 – have seen their parties make inroads in the House during mid-term elections. Seven presidents have seen gains in the Senate. Clinton was the third!!!

In Franklin D. Roosevelt’s sixth year in 1938, Democrats lost 71 seats in the House and six in the Senate.

In Dwight Eisenhower’s sixth year in 1958, Republicans lost 47 House seats, 13 in the Senate.

In John F. Kennedy/Lyndon Johnson’s sixth year, Democrats lost 47 seats in the House and three in the Senate.

In Richard Nixon/Gerald Ford’s sixth year in office in 1974, Republicans lost 43 House seats and three Senate seats.

Even America’s greatest president, Ronald Reagan, lost five House seats and eight Senate seats in his sixth year in office.

But in the middle of what the media tell us is a massively unpopular war, the Democrats picked up about 30 House seats and five to six Senate seats in a sixth-year election, with lots of seats still too close to call. Only for half-brights with absolutely no concept of yesterday is this a “tsunami” — as MSNBC calls it — rather than the death throes of a dying party.
Its called a take over. Or as Bush put it – a THUMPING !!!

During eight years of Clinton — the man Democrats tell us was the greatest campaigner ever, a political genius, a heartthrob, Elvis! — Republicans picked up a total of 49 House seats and nine Senate seats in two midterm elections. Also, when Clinton won the presidency in 1992, his party actually lost 10 seats in the House — only the second time in the 20th century that a party won the White House but lost seats in the House.
During eight years of Clinton — the man Democrats tell us was the greatest campaigner ever, a political genius, a heartthrob, Elvis! — Republicans picked up a total of 49 House seats and nine Senate seats in two midterm elections. Also, when Clinton won the presidency in 1992, his party actually lost 10 seats in the House — only the second time in the 20th century that a party won the White House but lost seats in the House.Once again the Democrats picked up five seats in the house in 1998.
Meanwhile, the Democrats’ epic victory this week, about which songs will be sung for generations, means that in two midterm elections Democrats were only able to pick up about 30 seats in the House and four seats in the Senate — and that’s assuming they pick up every seat that is currently too close to call. (The Democrats’ total gain is less than this week’s gain because Bush won six House and two Senate seats in the first midterm election.)
And once again I smell the ‘It should have been me out there’ sense of jealous righteous rage. Ann, go get laid once in a while and get that forced grin out of your face …Its SIX. Count with me 1, 2, 3,4,5,6 seats in the Senate and that’s after the Republicans stole Harrold Ford Jr.’s rightful seat with ugly mudslinging. How low can you guys go ?

So however you cut it, this midterm proves that the Iraq war is at least more popular than Bill Clinton was.

Not if you cut it like this.
Clinton was a morally reprehensible human being but still his nutsack alone could do a better job of being a President than Bush could. That’s how we roll .

In a choice between Republicans’ “Stay until we win” Iraq policy or the Democrats’ “Stay, leave … stay for a while then leave … redeploy and then come back … leave and stay … cut and run … win, lose or draw policy,” I guess Americans prefer the Republican policy.

No Ann. They are way too smart to fall for anything like that. Bush is still the Commander in Chief but we can’t wait for Senator McCain or Rudy Giuliani to do that for them.

The Democrats say we need a “new direction” in Iraq. Yeah, it’s called “reverse.”

Its not called reverse its called OVERSIGHT on a fat ugly Haliburton led oil spilling blood drinking machine !

Democrats keep talking about a new military strategy in Iraq. How exactly is cut-and-run a new strategy? The French have been doing it for years. The Democrats are calling their new plan for Iraq “Operation Somalia.”

Just like Republicans are calling their old plan for Iraq – Germany in Poland !!

The Democrats certainly have their work cut out for them. They have only two years to release as many terrorists as possible and lock up as many Republicans as they can. Republicans better get that body armor for the troops the Democrats are always carping about — and fast. The troops are going to need it for their backs.

See this is what you Rightwingers are all about . Taking the body armour from the troops and giving them to the Republicans. In fact your entire strategy for the war is What would the Republicans and their cronies win from this ? Come on !! If the insurgency in its last throes is causing this much trouble what would Iran do to us ? Not afraid but also don’t want to stir up a hornets nest unless we HAVE to and as the entire country told the Rightwingers in this election – we don’t agree. We don’t want your axis of evil analogies. We don’t want home spun stupidity and simplistic equations on complex situations where lives are lost . We don’t want fatcat Haliburtons getting rich at the expense of the troops. We don’t want any more scandals. And we certainly don’t want gay bashing preachers leading double lives and child molesters . So get out and stay out.And maybe Nancy along with Hilary will have the acumen to give the Whitehouse another lick of paint . White indeed – to wipe out the dirt that has been smeared all over it !!!

Mumbai Bomb Blasts – The Aftermath – or the lack of it.

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the July 14th, 2006

So the blasts story is a few days old and life – as predicted – is back on track in Mumbai.

A few short hours after the bombs shook the stations the same trains that were blasted started running again and people made it a point to take the same trains to send the message home .

Just like the last time Mumbai flooded the blood banks and around midnight they sent people home saying they had enough blood . Come back the next day. My brother in law went to donate blood but came back with all his blood intact. My sister – an ever hopeful – told him that if he had blood to donate he should work harder at his job and bring in more money .-Typical Indian housewife.

The crowds were back. Mumbai is a city of crowds. The smelly,crushing,not so friendly,cynical,my time is more prescious than your time,Hey watch out for the guy with the chickens on his head crowds. Physical contact which is more than brushing even while crossing the roads is normal. While this encompasses any metro in the world the Mumbaites are different in one respect. They have intense pride . Even though it may be misplaced at times they have always come together in times of difficulties and need.

However I need to point out a few things that are very apparent to me as an Indian.

There are only two nations that were created under completely relegious ideologies :-
* Israel
* Pakistan
While the former has emerged as a force to be reckoned with Pakistan retains its place in the modern world as the breeding ground of well funded , hard lined, brainwashed terrorists.

Fact :-
The majority of Taliban and Al Qaida emerged from the madarasas (relegious brainwashing schools) of Pakistan .
Fact :-
Bin Laden and other terrorists have often crossed the border into Pakistan and thrived .
Fact :-
The ISI , is the largest terrorist trainer in this world.
Fact :-
8 out of 10 Islamic terrorists get their initial and ongoing training in Pakistan.

So why are they our friends ? Wake up America this is the time to act .

Not till 9/11 did the U.S. wake up to the fundamental realization that Islamic terrorism is here to stay within our lifetimes and its best to deal with it head on – Iraq being the glaring exception.

Forget pointing our guns at either North Korea or Iran – Pakistan is the central lattice which is common to the entire Axis of Evil analogy. You destroy the central lattice and watch the dominoes fall.

Sincerely,
Tapan Trivedi
www.indiancomedian.com

Whats in a name ??

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the July 12th, 2006

Depends upon where you are from ? Have you noticed that Indians have long winded names ? And when we meet we introduce ourselves with our first AND last names ? That is cause a name tells you a lot.

The last name usually tells you the region or state where they came from. So when we see a name Patel we deduce , to be on the safer side, that that person might not
1) Eat meat
2) Not drink
3) Like really really spicy and oily foods
(Gujarati characterisitcs)

Or if we have a last name Pillai we might deduce that the person might
1) Eat a lot of rice
2) Be staunchly relegious
3) Wear skirt like garments on men

It is just a code and like all codes this might fail too.

Like if we meet two sisters named Stairway and Heaven we might deduct that the parents may be
1) A fan of patchouli
2) Have a tattoo that they got in the back of a van
3) Hippies

All these may fall flat on their faces and have however it works with amazing regularity in India.

BUT THOSE ARE JUST LAST NAMES TAPAN.

Correct .

The first names ALSO have a hidden meaning.
Every sunsign in Indian astrology has a few letters associated with it and the first name of the child is supposed to start from that letter. Like my rashi (sun sign) is Tula (Libra) and the Libra letters are R and T and I was named Tapan. This tells you the characterisitcs of a person. So in the olden days that also worked. Once again there was a reason for the name.

Names here don’t mean a lot and hence the famous saying of the Bard – ‘Whats in a name ?’ . Ironically a lot of kids today can’t spell Shakespear correctly. Take that Billy !!

In this day and age when domain names cost more than a real name and fights regularly prevail over the same I am tasked , along with my beautiful wife to chose a name for my child. This name that will be so much a part of her identity not to mention name calling . What do we do ? This time the slots fell in my favor. Its a girl so Mandy gets to choose. However I want to give atleast one kid a name after to forgotten sun signs. All the sunsigns have kids named after them.

Aries Check
Taurus Tori
Gemini Know more than one stripper named
Cancer ??
Leo Check
Virgo Virginia , Virginie etc
Libra Libertini etc
Scorpio Go to tattoo parlours and you will meet
Sagittarius Sage
Capricorn ??
Aquarius ??
Pisces ??

The above chart denotes that only four signs do NOT have names associated with them
Cancer,Capricorn,Aquarius,Pisces

So Cancer is out of question . Unless she decidedly starts bleeding me out of all my virtues and white blood cells.
That leaves Capricorn,Pisces and Aquarius. As much as I would love to be I am NOT a hippie and hence Aquarius is out of question.

That leaves Capricorn and Pisces. So there is a fair chance that I would name my kid

Capricorn Pisces Trivedi

Not on the birth certificate – on the playa.

Final thought :-
Your name is the only thing that is given to you that is yours and others use it more than you do. Despite the fact that most drones at the other end of the line do NOT get my name right (even if my wife is saying it) I have chosen against taking an American name. It means too much to me. It means someone who was born out of a lot of ‘Tapa’ – meditation . My parents lost three children before they got me. Before my birth my dad chanted the holy Gayatri mantra for 125000 times. They firmly believe that is the reason I was born and survived. I can’t let that get away from me. I may die !!

Sincerely,
Tapan Trivedi
www.indiancomedian.com

Mumbai is bleeding…A note on the Mumbai bomb blasts !!

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the July 11th, 2006

Today the world in the west woke up to a terrible news that the most populous city in India – Mumbai (formerly Bombay) suffered from what is the second most brutal attacks in recent history.
7 trains had bombs set in them which exploded, 3 of them as they were entering stations. Co ordinated, well executed instruments of terror which are sure to feed the media frenzy but going back to the history and strength of the city it is going to be back on its feet in a day.

Mumbai is no stranger to blasts. My sister , who is married in Bombay , actually witnessed a bus blow up about 20 ft high. She ran in the direction opposite to the rush thus getting home in record time all the while clutching my niece, Niyati , who was 2 at the time in her arms. Niyati turned 5 last year and can still recall the ‘boom’ that she saw.

I just talked to my sister for about 45 seconds before the line was cut off and got the news that all of our relatives are back home safely – however my sister’s father in law was at one of the affected stations about 10 minutes before the blast happened. SCARY !!

On May 6th 1994 Mumbai saw 12 blasts in one day within an hour which affected major landmarks like the stock market and several busy markets and killed hundreds . The city was back on its feet the next day. There was one film about survivors that someone made which recounted many survivors of the blast saying ‘They had no idea who brought them to the hospital ‘. There were people on the trains the next day talking about how they put quite a few in the hospitals. One HUGE guys saying he carried 3 people on his shoulders straight to the hospital. No titles at the end of the film. Creative charity.

So as the city where my mom grew up, where I spent most of my summers, where my sister got married , where several of my aunts and uncles and cousins live , lies covered in decapitated limbs and heaps of bodies I have but one thing to say to those who use terrorism as a tool to break minds.

YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED. YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED.

Whatever your cause is – at this point the only thing that makes you tick are the bombs wired to your chest .

The Mumbai trains are the ones that make NYC trains look like a tame dog as opposed to an angry lion. You are lucky if you can breathe. You have to pace yourself to get off the train atleast four stations ahead and then just get in the path of the crush and the crowds will get you out – or in the train. There are no doors. People routinely hang outside and once in a while someone gets hit by a pole and goes down . This is what was attacked. This is the lifeline of the city. The blood, the movement that feeds the chaos that is Mumbai. The attack was cowardly and pathetic and I , for once, would gladly pray for the death of any organization who takes responsibility for this – even if its Babies R Us.

Sincerely,
Tapan Trivedi

Assorted Thoughts on Gay Marriage,War,Summer Barbecues and Pot

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the July 6th, 2006

On Gay Marriage :-
I wish that they don’t change the laws on gay marriage and I wish that my kid turns out to be gay. That way I don’t have to pay for the eventual HUGE EXPENSE of the Indian wedding that she will demand.

War :-
I think all wars should be fought and won the same way all of us fought our first war. Not cowboys and Indians that came later.
The momment we decide to invade another country we should pull out a HUGE rope and throw it into that country say Afghanistan and challenge them to

TUG OF WAR !!!

Then pull the shit out of that country cause they have weak and malnourished people. This would install the fear of God in other countries.

HEY NORTH KOREA !! Stop with the nuke building .Remember how Iraq rolled in mud when we pulled the definitive last tug ! Remember how the Afghans sat calmly defeated and got only Blue stars . Hey they don’t give out these GOLD stars for nothing you know !!

On Summer Barbecues :-
Every time I go to a barbecue this summer there is someone who says ‘Hey Tapan – look we are eating your God ‘ That someone most probably is a Christian and I let them go cause I once went to a Church and they offered me not only a liberal part of the Body Of Christ but also his blood. I will see your body part and raise you a glass of blood of your saviour. Let him/her counter with a glass of milk cause everyone knows a wafer and vine beats steak and milk anyday.

On Pot :-
Talking to a lovely lady at a certain hot tub party that we were at she made a statement that said
‘If I put all the money I spend after pot towards a retirement fund I could retire in 5 years.’ .This surprised me as the last time I checked you could GROW your own pot and thus make it free . Get that retirement account. Paying for pot is like a beautiful woman paying for sex …….There is a reason why they call it WEED. It grows almost ANYWHERE.

Counting Sheep !!

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the June 28th, 2006

Who the hell invented the method of counting sheep if you can’t go to sleep ? It dosen’t work. Not to mention the fact that it arouses a certain segment of the population to see so many sheep altogether doing an acrobatic activity like jumping over a fence. That segment of population – the ones that resides in the backwoods of the Appalachians and have less than perfect teeth – are the reason why the sheep are running away from the farm in the first place.
Iowa where the men are strong and the sheep know how to run like ninjas. The best sleep number in Iowa is two cause thats how many sheep you can do at the same time.

I don’t count sheep. I count monkeys. Monkeys are a lot funner to count and they clear the fence in just one jump. My monkeys are little rhesus ones. What kind of monkey you imagined going over the fence says a lot about you and what kind of music you listen to .

Lastly in this world we live in – with technology designed to facilitate almost every aspect of your life why depend upon such an arcane method. We have deep tissue relaxation chairs that turn into beds, some of the most comfortable mattresses ever invented by men, humidifiers, dehumidifiers, gentle ’sleep’ music, noise drowning headphones etc etc etc. If none of these work for you do what I do

Watch C-SPAN !!

Sincerely,
Tapan Trivedi

Brand New Baby !!

Posted in Uncategorized by funnyindian on the June 19th, 2006

So as of last night around 9 pm we are the brand new owners of a shiny new silver Prius. As a lot of you know we were on the list for about 3 weeks and they had said ‘The average wait for the exact options that you want is about 12 weeks.’ So imagine my surprise when I got the call last morning saying that it is here.
We scrambled through the day the best we could and around 6:00 p.m. went to the dealership where we were met with a shiny new CSR who looked like a cross between Drew Barrymore and a glazed donut .
After taking the customary test drive we sat down for negotiations. They took down our information and we had brought the paperwork for our old Mustang (affectionately called ‘Wantmoregasmobile’ by us !!’).

After about 35 harrowing minutes they came back with what they would pay us for the Stang – which was about 2000$ less than what I had expected but then I would rather spend my evenings with Mandy and peanut rather than with complete strangers kicking the tires and lowballing me – or worse balling me !!

We took the deal . Lesson number one – if you are on the list for a Prius then get your ducks in order. Get your financing done and ready, get your trade in car sold cause you would almost always get more money for sale than the trade in . The only notable exception is that if your car has something defective in which case a trade in is a better idea as you don’t have to go through the headaches of liability anymore.

The donation laws have changed ! Used to be you could deduct the KBB value of the car – NOW you could only get what the agency that you donate to gets for it which means that I have to depend upon the selling skills of people who work for a non profit !!! NOT A GOOD IDEA !!

Lastly – the financing. We waited for about 45 more minutes after the various options were presented to us to go into the hallowed chamber of non lubed anal sex where the manager, the sales rep, the mechanic, the finance guy and the guy who just happened to be there to change the water bottles all take turns fucking you in the ass !! We went in there and talked to the guy who offered us 6.9% APR which I believe is pretty decent. Eventually we left the lot exhausted yet enthused with our new car. We made it home safely and are in a NorCal hippy / yuppie comic duality induced happy green haze . The coolest thing about it – the car comes with a preinstalled baby seat restraint thingie which we didn’t know about !!!

 

Sincerely,

Tapan Trivedi

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